Dating
Series: Recommended Resources
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and all that is in them. The crown of his creation was mankind, who was made in God’s image with gendered differences, all of which God considers “very good” (Genesis 1). And in the subsequent history of mankind, God makes it clear that it is not good for man to be alone. His solution to this problem: marriage (Genesis 2.18-25). Throughout the Bible, marriage is depicted as good, God ordained, and the normative pattern for human life.[1] With the coming of Jesus Christ, the last days have dawned and the world has fundamentally shifted. As a result, Christianity also teaches that singleness is a valid and viable lifestyle (see 1 Corinthians 7).[2] Be that as it may, though, most people will marry, which brings up the question of how to find and select a spouse. This paper will explore an answer, seeking to give a biblical account of “dating.”[3]
To begin with, we should note that the Bible doesn’t really directly address this topic. In the Scriptures, most marriages are of the pre-arranged variety (e.g., Adam and Eve, Isaac and Rebekah, and so on). And around the world today, in other cultures, this practice is still in place.[4] However, that’s not the practice in our culture, and so will have little bearing on our discussion. However, because it was the typical pattern in the cultures from which the Bible was produced, the notion of finding and selecting our spouse does not come up very directly in the Bible. That being the case, we’re going to have to look at some broad principles and apply them to this aspect of life. And so, without further ado, here are some guidelines for godly, biblical dating.
Start by looking for a friend, not a spouse. Get to know other singles of the opposite gender and develop friendships.[5] This will help you even if they never become anything more. But since your spouse will be your best friend, finding a good friend should be a goal here. Then as your friendship develops, if something more comes along, then move along with it and pursue a more-than-friends relationship.[6] I really think that we’d see a much better culture of dating and marriage if we would follow this principle. So many people overlook great potential spouses because they are looking for something other than a friend first. This is something that all single Christians should be doing, whether or not they are really looking towards marriage at this point. Tim Keller gives several reasons why this is the case:
1) To affirm people of the opposite sex within the Christian community.
2) To help one another learn the intricacies of cross-gender communication, discernment, and relationship.
3) To stay open to God’s own leading about whether you should be married or not.[7]
4) To avoid the contemporary idols that make dating and marriage very threatening.
5) To avoid avoiding. Dating and marriage-seeking is a process of self-discovery as well as understanding cross-gender relationships.[8]
Then, should a friendship develop into something more (this is what most people consider “dating”), marriage is the goal. Please note, this doesn’t mean that you’re trying to marry every person you go on a date with. Instead, it recognizes that the purpose of dating is to get to know someone better and see if there’s a possibility for marriage. In the very beginning of a relationship, it’s probably entirely too early to be actively thinking about marriage. But because marriage is the goal, it should be in mind somewhere. So, as soon as either of you realizes that marriage isn’t a possibility, you should break up, and free each other. If you know the relationship can’t progress to marriage, you’re being unfair (to yourself and to the other person) to keep it going.
Because marriage is the goal, don’t date until you are in a position where you could move forward to marriage. This includes personal, financial, and maturity issues. Until you are mature enough to marry someone, you should be working on maturation rather than a relationship.[9]
Again, because marriage is the goal, don’t date someone who is not a Christian. 1 Corinthians 7.39 makes it clear that Christians should only marry other Christians. And this isn’t because Christians are good and non-Christians are bad. Instead, as Tim Keller explains:
If your partner doesn’t share your faith, then he or she doesn’t understand it. And if Jesus is central to you, then that means that your partner doesn’t understand you…Over and over you will make decisions that your partner can’t fathom. Now the essence of intimacy in marriage is that you finally have someone who really understands you and accepts you as you are…But if the person is not a believer, he or she can’t understand your very essence and heart[10]…Wisdom dictates then that you don’t get “serious” with someone who doesn’t believe.[11] You must consider that as a Christian, you know what it is like to be both inside and outside of Christ, while your partner does not. That puts the responsibility on you. He or she will never understand why you think the difference is such a big deal. (He/she will think it is something like a Democrat marrying a Republican or at most like two people of different races marrying on another.) That means if you get involved deeply, the other person will never really understand why you want to [must] break up. That will be enormously painful [So save both of yourselves the pain by not getting involved to begin with.].[12]
And just believing in “god” or “Jesus isn’t enough here. This person should be a mature Christian, who faithfully participates in the life of a Christ-centered church.[13] This is a minimal requirement (In other words, there are plenty of people in good churches who you still shouldn’t marry.).[14] If they aren’t, marriage is a bad idea.
Don’t become sexually involved until you are married. The Bible is clear that sexual activity of any kind should be limited to the marriage relationship.[15] A couple of words of clarification are in order here (they are somewhat obvious, but given much of the confusion abounding these days, they need to be clearly stated). First, you aren’t married until it’s legally enacted (even an hour before your wedding, sexual activity is still out). Second sexual activity includes far more than just intercourse. Often times people ask, “How far is too far?” This is the wrong question, because it’s asking how much we can get away with instead of how we can get closest to Jesus. The Bible gives us two basic relationships: someone you’re married to, or someone you’re related to (see 1 Timothy 5.2). So, if you’re wondering what is or isn’t appropriate in dating, ask what would be appropriate to do with your brother or sister. Because that’s what they are until you get married.
Get and submit to community input. Ask mature Christian friends, like people in your mission group, your family, and your pastors what they think about the relationship. These are people who know you, love you, and want what’s best for you. It’s really easy to be blinded by your feelings in a relationship. So it’s important to get outside opinions. Marrying someone you shouldn’t can be the most painful decision of your life, so be sure to ask. And listen to them. Take it seriously. They can’t make your decision for you. But if you’re going against their advise, you should think very carefully before you act.
This principles aren’t exhaustive, and they can’t cover every conceivable situation. But they do give the broad contours of how you can date to the glory of God. Ultimately, though, all they can do is guide you and set the standard. To truly glorify God in your dating will take a work of the Holy Spirit in your life as he makes the truth of Jesus’ death and resurrection for you real to you and moves you to respond in a life of gratitude, which embraces these principles out of a desire to please the God who has done so much for you. Ask him to make that the case in your life, especially in the area of dating.
[1] For more detail, see our paper “Why Marriage?”
[2] For more detail, see our paper “Why Singleness?”
[3] Some Christians prefer not to use the word “dating.” In their view it is caught up in the sinful practices of our wider culture. And while they have some valid concerns, I would echo John Calvin’s sentiments about such issues, “Really, I am not, indeed, such a stickler as to battle doggedly over mere words.” (Institutes of the Christian Religion John T. McNeill, ed. (Louisville: Westminster John Knox, 1960), 1.8.5.
[4] We often react negatively against this idea. And while I’m not advocating a return to arranged marriage, the fact that half of non-arranged marriages end in divorce while only about one in twenty-five arranged marriages do should make us reconsider our opposition.
[5] Of course you should have friends of the same gender. But as we are dealing with the provenance of dating and marriage, we’re limiting this to opposite gender interaction.
[7] There is a lot of contemporary confusion about the idea of the “gift of singleness.” For more detail about this notion, see our paper “Why Singleness?” In short, though, no one should ever assume that they are called to lifelong singleness (nor assume that they will certainly marry).
[8] Timothy J. Keller, “Unit 9-How do I relate to love and marriage?” in Gospel Christianity: Course 2- Practices (Redeemer Presbyterian Church, 2003-2004), 14.
[9] Mark Driscoll, “Dating” in Religion Saves and Nine other Misconceptions (Wheaton: Crossway, 2009), 192.
[10] Driscoll adds several other practical reasons, including, “Because you submit to Scripture and unbelievers do not, your relationship with one has no court of arbitration in which to resolve your differences. An unbeliever is not in covenant with Jesus, so he or she has no covenantal framework for any relationship with you. If he or she is not a Christian, you have no means of dealing with sin that will come between the two of you, because you do not both believe in the gospel of Jesus’ death for sins” (“Dating,” 193).
[11] And if marriage is the goal, you shouldn’t be in casual romantic relationships anyway.
[12] Keller, “Love and Marriage,” 14. Emphasis original.
[13] For more on this, see our article, “Who Needs the Church?”
[14] There’s a sense in which any mature Christian should be able to make a marriage “work” with any other mature Christian. But mature Christians sometimes differ on important issues, which would make it difficult to be married to one another (for example, a Baptist and a Presbyterian are going to run into some conflict when they have their first child and have to decide whether or not to baptize him).
[15] For a treatment of why this is the case, see our papers, “Good Sex” and “Bad Sex.”