Good Sex
Series: Recommended Resources
Our church is strongly in favor of sex. We want to state that unequivocally, because a lot of the rhetoric we hear from the “Christian culture” these days seems indicative of an antipathy towards sex. You might get a grudging admission that sex is good, but it’s very quickly qualified with denunciations of the dangers of inappropriate sex.[1] When this is the approach, we’re left to wonder whether or not people actually believe their statement that sex is good. It is not without reason that Christians have gained the reputation of being prudish, frightened of sex, neurotically obsessed with it, and so on.[2] But these ideas do not find their origin with God or the Bible. When we remove our prejudices about what Christians do or don’t believe, we find that the Bible depicts sex in very positive, beautiful terms. In the next few paragraphs, we’ll discover what God says about good sex.
To begin with, sex is God’s idea. He creates mankind male and female, and pronounces it very good (Genesis 1.27, 31).[3] When Adam was in the Garden, God decided he needed a suitable companion, and fashioned for him a wife, whom he then brought to Adam. When God presented the naked Adam with the naked Eve, it was as if someone had put Barry White on over the stereo, as Adam broke into joyful song, praising the beauty of his unclothed wife (Genesis 2.18-25). To imagine that they didn’t figure sex out pretty quickly, or that God didn’t have this in mind is silly. God created sex. Bob Smith makes the argument that, “Sex in marriage is just as pure and holy as praying, preparing a message, preaching, teaching a Sunday School class, tithing, witnessing, or reading the Bible.”[4]
When mankind fell into sin, sex became distorted (see Genesis 3). But the divine affirmation of human sexuality continues. The Proverbs urge a man to be filled with delight at his wife’s breasts, and be intoxicated with her love (Proverbs 5.19). The Song of Solomon depicts (in sometimes very graphic terms) the joyful, playful sexual intimacy shared by a husband and wife. Jesus reaffirms the marital relationship (and, by implication, sex within marriage), saying that the male-female pairing is instituted by God and should not be separated (Matthew 19.1-11). And the Apostle Paul brands any attempt to forbid marriage as demonic (1 Timothy 4.1-4). Though the Scriptures do attach a high value to celibacy (see, e.g., 1 Corinthians 7.6-8), there is simply no way to be faithful to biblical Christianity and denigrate human sexuality. Sex is good. And as long as it is used properly, it should be pursued, enjoyed, and celebrated, and promoted.
So, that being said, how is sex used properly? To begin with, sex belongs in marriage. To many this sounds restrictive and oppressive. And, while it is restrictive, it’s not oppressive. Indeed, it is liberating. But before we get there, we have to explain why sex is limited to marriage. In Genesis 2.24, we read that a man should “leave his father and mother, and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Sexual intercourse is an expression of the one flesh relationship shared by a husband and wife.[5] To remove it from the context in which it is created, is to distort it. And throughout the Bible, sexual expression outside of marriage is considered sinful (e.g., Galatians 5.19-21; 1 Corinthians 7.1-2). We’ll deal with this more fully in another place.[6] So, suffice it to say that good sex takes place within marriage.
And within the marriage relationship, there is great freedom in sexual pursuit. The Song of Solomon includes a wide variety of ways the husband-wife pair enjoy providing one another with sexual pleasure (e.g., 4.16; 5.4-5; 6.13-7.10, 12). And Paul explains a radical mutuality in sexual availability and initiation, where either husband or wife may request or initiate sex (1 Corinthians 7.3-5). All this to say that, within marriage, the sky’s the limit for sexual exploration, so long as both spouses are willing, and no outside parties are brought into the picture (cf. Hebrews 13.4).
Good sex should be frequent sex. Paul instructs the Corinthians, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” There are several things to note here. First, he says perhaps, which means that it might be ok to do this, but that it’s not even necessarily advisable. It’s just the only conceivable situation he can think of where this might be an ok idea. Second, sexual abstinence must be by agreement. That means that both parties need to be on board. One can’t suddenly get “holy,” and deny the other sex so that he or she can “pray.” Third, couples do decide to abstain, they should only do so for a limited time. Extended sexless periods are a bad idea (for married couples). Fourth, this mutually agreed upon abstinence should be for the purpose of prayer.[7] So if refraining from sex doesn’t help you to pray, then it’s best to reunite. Fifth Paul says that doing this protects us from temptation. If you want to protect your marriage, have a lot of sex, often.[8]
Marital sex serves a variety of purposes. It is reproductive, leading to procreation (Genesis 1.28; Psalm 127.3-5). It is recreational, allowing us to give and receive pleasure as well as to prevent sexual immorality (Proverbs 5.15-20; Genesis 26.8-9; 1 Corinthians 7.1-6). It is relational, arising from the context of the marriage relationship to build and strengthen it (Genesis 2.24; 1 Corinthians 7.1-6).[9] None of these purposes should be separated from all the others. And, while not every purpose has to be met every time a couple has sex (e.g., you don’t have to try to make a baby every time), it is important to recognize that sexual relations are a complex reality, and that we can’t just choose our “favorite” purpose to the exclusion of the others.
Finally, we want to note that good sex will be servant sex. In other words, your goal in pursuing sex with your spouse should be to please him or her. This is based on the broad biblical principle to put the interests of others above our own (e.g., Philippians 2.3-4), that our stance towards others should be service (Mark 10.44), and that it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20.35). Not only that, though, Paul hints at it in his discussion of marital sex in 1 Corinthians 7.4, where he explains that neither husband nor wife has authority over his or her own body, but rather their spouse does. Paul is not condoning non-consensual sex here. Instead, the basic principle is this: your body is not there for your own use, but to give your spouse pleasure.[10] So seek to serve each other. This will mean asking what constitutes service, and then doing that.[11]
Ultimately, it all comes back to the gospel. It always does. Although the Fall has introduced distortion and selfishness into our sexual relationships, Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, has restored the goodness of creation back to God (Colossians 1.20). Because of what he has done, we are able to serve each other, and worship our great God through pure, satisfying Christ-exalting sex.
[1] We think that sex is dangerous outside its proper boundaries as well. We’ll deal with that elsewhere. The point here is that we want to be very positive about sex, and not let the fact that there are misuses of it cloud our viewpoint.
[2] There is a rather sad tradition in the Christian church that has been many of these things. Even great teachers, such as Augustine of Hippo, have been ambivalent about the goodness of sex. And in Roman Catholicism’s clerical celibacy laws, a distrust of sex and marriage has been institutionalized.
[3] Interestingly, up until this point, God has been pronouncing the creation good. But, with creation completed and culminated with the creation of mankind as male and female, God declares it to be “very good.”
[4] Robert D. Smith, “Biblical Principles for Sex” Journal Pastoral Practice 7, no. 2 (1984), 6.
[5] A husband and wife are one flesh even apart from sexual union. Marriages in which, for various reasons, sex cannot take place are no less valid, and have no less intimacy than others. Intercourse expresses, but is not itself, the one flesh union.
[6] See our paper, “Bad Sex,” for an explanation of why sex outside of marriage is wrong.
[7] Not convenience (do a better job with your schedule). Not saving time (have a quickie if need be [but it shouldn’t always be quickies]). Not anything else. Of course, spouses should be considerate of each other. If she has a headache, or is exhausted, it might be best to let her rest. If he has an early meeting, it might be best to let him go to sleep. However, consideration runs both ways.
[8] How often will vary from couple to couple, but, in general, the rule of thumb is as often as one spouse wants it.
[9] Robert D. Jones, “Marital And Premarital Counseling” taught at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary Spring 2006.
[10] There are several guides for sexual technique available, which may help in this. Examples include, Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat, Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sex Fulfillment in Christian Marriage 3d ed. (Grand Rapids: Revell, 1997); and Clifford Penner and Joyce Penner, The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment (Nashville: W Publishing, 2003). However, in each case, no two people are exactly the same, so no guide will be able to tell you how to please your spouse. Learn what you can from the “experts.” But there is no substitute for communication with your spouse, the true expert on what feels good.
[11] Men are especially apt to misunderstand this, because we tend to equate sexual fulfillment with orgasm, and think that this means we must please our wife to climax every time. However, not every wife will want orgasm every time. She may not want to invest the time and energy needed for it, and would be perfectly fulfilled by being intimate with her husband and serving him. Of course, if she does desire orgasm, the husband should do all he can to satisfy her. The point is this: don’t assume, ask (Robert D. Smith, “Biblical Principles for Sex” Journal Pastoral Practice 7, no. 2 [1984], 13).